What Are You Pretending?

The hidden cost of "I'm fine" and why your nervous system is keeping score

Picture this: You're at a coffee shop, and someone asks how you're doing. Without missing a beat, you smile and say, "I'm great! Really busy, but good busy, you know?"

Meanwhile, your body tells a different story. Your shoulders are tensed up to your ears. Your jaw is clenched. Your stomach is in knots, and you haven't had a truly restful night's sleep in weeks. But the performance continues because that's what we've been taught to do.

We've become masters of the art of pretending.

But here's what science is teaching us about this exhausting charade: your body is keeping score, and it's getting tired of the lie.

The Neuroscience Behind the Mask

When we consistently suppress our authentic emotional and physical experiences, something fascinating and troubling happens in our brains. The prefrontal cortex—our "thinking" brain—goes into overdrive, working tirelessly to maintain the narrative that "everything is fine."

This constant cognitive override creates what neuroscientist Dr. Stephen Porges calls "neuroception"—our nervous system's subconscious detection of safety or threat. When we're pretending, our body registers a fundamental disconnect between what we're expressing and what we're experiencing. This incongruence triggers our threat detection system, keeping us in a chronic state of dysregulation.

Research from the field of psychoneuroimmunology shows us that this ongoing stress response doesn't just feel bad—it literally rewrites our biology. Chronic activation of the sympathetic nervous system suppresses immune function, disrupts sleep architecture, alters our gut microbiome, and even changes gene expression through epigenetic mechanisms.

In other words: pretending isn't just emotionally exhausting—it's making us sick.

The Psychology of Performance vs. Authenticity

Dr. Brené Brown's research on vulnerability reveals something profound: the gap between who we are and who we think we should be is where shame lives. And shame, as it turns out, is one of the most corrosive emotions for both mental and physical health.

When we're caught in patterns of pretending, we're essentially living in this gap—constantly trying to bridge the distance between our authentic experience and our performed self. This creates what psychologists call "cognitive dissonance," a state of mental tension that our brains find deeply uncomfortable.

The tragic irony? The very behaviours we use to manage this discomfort—numbing through food, alcohol, endless scrolling, compulsive productivity—only widen the gap further. We end up in what I call the "pretending spiral":

1. Suppress authentic feelings ("I should be grateful, not anxious")

2. Perform wellness ("Look, I'm meditating! I'm eating kale!")

3. Feel disconnected from body and emotions

4. Numb the disconnection through various substances or behaviours

5. Feel shame about the numbing behaviours

6. Pretend even harder to compensate

And the cycle continues, each loop taking us further from ourselves.

My Own Descent Into Performance

I lived in this cycle for years, and from the outside, I looked like someone who had it all figured out. I was the friend who gave advice, the colleague who never missed a deadline, the person who "had her health sorted."

But behind the carefully curated exterior was a different reality:

My relationships were a series of unconscious patterns—choosing partners who couldn't truly see me because I wasn't showing up authentically. I was attracted to unavailability because it felt familiar; it matched my own emotional unavailability to myself.

My "healthy" eating was actually a sophisticated form of control and disconnection from my body's actual needs. I followed rules instead of listening to hunger cues. I ate "clean" while my relationship with food was anything but.

My meditation practice became another item on my performance checklist. I sat on the cushion while my nervous system remained locked in fight-or-flight. I was meditating *at* my anxiety rather than with it.

My body was sending increasingly desperate signals—chronic fatigue, digestive issues, anxiety that felt like electricity under my skin, sleep that never truly restored me. But I kept pushing through, kept pretending these were just "minor issues" I could manage with the right supplement or biohack.

The turning point came when I realised I was performing wellness while my actual well-being was deteriorating. I was living in what trauma therapist Peter Levine calls "functional freeze"—going through the motions of a healthy life while being fundamentally disconnected from my own experience.

The Science of Authentic Healing

Everything changed when I stopped trying to fix myself and started listening to myself. This wasn't just a philosophical shift—it was a neurobiological one.

When we move from performance to authenticity, we activate what Dr. Dan Siegel calls the "window of tolerance"—the zone where our nervous system can process experience without becoming overwhelmed or shutting down. Within this window, our prefrontal cortex can communicate effectively with our limbic system, allowing for genuine integration and healing.

The tools that truly transformed my life weren't about adding more practices to perform—they were about creating space for my authentic experience to emerge:

IEMT (Integral Eye Movement Therapy) helped process trapped emotional memories without having to relive or analyse them endlessly. This somatic approach recognizes that trauma isn't just stored in our thoughts—it lives in our nervous system, and healing happens through the body.

The Safe & Sound Protocol literally retrained my nervous system's ability to detect safety. Created by Dr. Porges, this intervention uses specifically filtered music to stimulate the vagus nerve, supporting our capacity for social engagement and emotional regulation.

Somatic inquiry taught me the revolutionary practice of asking my body what it needed rather than telling it what it should do. This wasn't about perfect form or hitting targets—it was about cultivating what trauma therapist Bessel van der Kolk calls "befriending your body."

Breathwork became a direct pathway to nervous system regulation. Unlike the forced breathing techniques I'd tried before, this was about following my body's natural rhythms and allowing stuck energy to move through my system.

Intentional rest challenged every productivity myth I'd internalized. Research from the Default Mode Network studies shows us that rest isn't the absence of productivity—it's when our brains consolidate learning, process emotions, and restore cellular function.

The Biology of Authentic Living

When we stop pretending and start listening, we're not just making a psychological shift—we're literally changing our biology. Research in the field of positive psychology and neuroscience shows us that authentic living creates measurable changes in our physiology:

Heart Rate Variability improves, indicating better nervous system flexibility and resilience. This is our body's ability to adapt to stress and return to baseline—a key marker of overall health.

Cortisol patterns normalize, reducing the chronic inflammation associated with stress-related illness. When we're not constantly fighting our own experience, our stress hormone production can return to healthy rhythms.

Immune function strengthens because our system isn't depleted by the constant energy drain of maintaining incongruent states. Authenticity literally supports our body's ability to heal and protect itself.

**Sleep architecture improves** as our nervous system learns it's safe to fully rest. When we're not vigilantly maintaining a performance, our body can access the deep, restorative stages of sleep necessary for physical and emotional recovery.

## What Are You Pretending? The Questions That Change Everything

This transformation didn't happen overnight, and it wasn't about achieving some perfect state of authenticity. It was about developing what I call "curious awareness"—the ability to notice when we're performing versus when we're present.

Here are the questions that began to shift everything for me, and that I now explore with every client:

About Your Body:

- What is your body actually telling you right now, beneath the story you're telling yourself about how you should feel?

- Where do you feel tension, and what might it be protecting you from feeling?

- When do you override your body's signals, and what are you afraid will happen if you listen?

About Your Emotions:

- What emotion are you most afraid of feeling fully?

- How do you distract yourself when difficult feelings arise?

- What would it be like to feel your feelings without immediately trying to fix or change them?

About Your Relationships:

- Where do you perform a version of yourself to gain approval or avoid conflict?

- What parts of yourself do you hide, and what are you afraid will happen if people see them?

- How do your relationships change when you stop managing other people's emotions?

About Your Choices:

- What decisions are you making from fear versus from authentic desire?

- Where are you saying yes when your body is saying no?

- What would you choose if you weren't trying to prove anything to anyone?

The Four Pillars of Authentic Transformation

The journey from pretending to authentic living isn't about achieving some perfect state where you never feel difficult emotions or face challenges. It's about developing what trauma therapist Dr. Gabor Maté calls "compassionate curiosity" toward your own experience.

This path requires the Four Pillars of Authentic Transformation:

1. Nervous System Awareness

Understanding that your emotional and physical experiences are information, not problems to solve. Learning to work *with* your nervous system rather than against it.

2. Somatic Intelligence

Developing the ability to listen to your body's wisdom and respond to its needs rather than overriding its signals. This includes learning to distinguish between sensations, emotions, and the stories we tell ourselves about them.

3. Relational Authenticity

Creating relationships based on genuine connection rather than performed compatibility. This means being willing to disappoint others in order to honor yourself—and discovering that real love actually increases when we stop pretending.

4. Aligned Action

Making choices from your authentic self rather than your adapted self. This isn't about being selfish—it's about being genuinely helpful rather than performing helpfulness.

Your Body Is Waiting

Right now, as you read these words, your body is sending you information. Maybe there's tension in your shoulders that's been there so long you barely notice it. Maybe there's a flutter of recognition in your chest when you think about dropping the mask. Maybe there's fear alongside the excitement—because authentic living, while deeply satisfying, also requires courage.

All of this is information. All of this is welcome.

Your body has been waiting patiently for you to listen. Your authentic self has been trying to emerge beneath the layers of should and have-to and need-to-be.

The question isn't whether you're ready to be perfect. The question is whether you're ready to be real.

What are you pretending?

What do you actually need?

And are you ready to find out what life feels like when you stop performing it and start living it?

Ready to Stop Pretending and Start Living Authentically?

If this resonates with you, you're not alone. The exhaustion of pretending is real, and so is the possibility of living from a place of authentic truth.

In my Rebalance & Rebuild group programme, we explore exactly this journey—from performance to presence, from pretending to authentic living. Using science-backed approaches including somatic therapy, nervous system regulation, and intentional rest, we create a safe space to drop the mask and discover who you really are beneath the performance.

For those ready for deeper, more personalized transformation, my 1:1 Breakthrough & Freedom coaching offers intensive support for unravelling the patterns that keep you stuck in performance mode and creating sustainable practices for authentic living.

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The most radical thing you can do in a world that profits from your disconnection is to come home to yourself. Your body, your emotions, and your authentic self are not problems to solve—they're wisdom to honour