As a lifelong people pleaser, I know first hand how the word "selfish" can trigger something deep inside. For years, I was that little girl who believed if she just did everything right for everyone else—constantly neglecting her own needs—everything would be fine. Finally, she would be seen, valued, and fit in.
The Reality of People-Pleasing
On the surface, being seen as agreeable, helpful, and kind sounds wonderful. But when it stems from a desperate need to be affirmed and validated for what you do rather than who you are at your core, it becomes problematic.
I used to describe myself as self-sacrificing and self-neglecting. I was constantly burned out, catering to everyone else's wants and needs without a thought for what was going on inside. Looking back, I realise I was avoiding my own pain and the beliefs that lay underneath:
"I am not worthy as I am."
"I don't deserve it."
"I am unloveable."
Essentially, I became someone else to hide who I really was.
The Hidden Cost of Always Being "Nice"
People-pleasing isn't just about being helpful—it often comes with serious consequences:
- Physical and mental exhaustion from constant giving
- Anger and resentment toward those we're trying to please
- Anxiety from trying to manage everyone's happiness
- Loss of authentic self as we hide our true needs
- Weakened relationships built on an unsustainable foundation
For me, it was actually a form of control—keeping people from seeing the real person inside. But this pattern also attracted the wrong people into my life, because I wasn't being authentic.
The Path to Change
The transformation began when I realised that being "selfish" wasn't actually selfish at all. Taking care of my own needs, desires, and daily life was not just good—it was essential. From a filled cup, I discovered I could give so much more authentically. I became:
- Less angry
- Less expecting of others
- Less resentful
- Lighter in spirit
The key insight? Understanding that I was just as important as anyone else. If saying "no" caused offence, perhaps that relationship needed examination. Living my own life without constantly seeking external validation could actually be joyful.
Moving Forward
If you're recognising these patterns in yourself, know that change is possible. Start with small, consistent steps:
- Establish healthy boundaries
- Set personal priorities that are non-negotiable
- Practice self-compassion when your inner critic calls you "selfish"
- Remember: your needs are as important as anyone else's
When my clients come to me with these patterns, we work together using IEMT (Integral Eye Movement Therapy) and compassionate enquiry to allow these patterns to be seen, heard, and understood.
Remember this: You are not selfish for wanting—and NEEDING—to look after yourself. From one recovering people-pleaser to another, I can tell you that these patterns can change, and the freedom on the other side is worth every step of the journey.
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